Blanc Slate
by Leebot
Summary: SH:C story. When the wolf is the sane one, you're in trouble. Following the ending of SH:C Blanca is the focus of the most malicious creatures in the universe: The Hares.
1. Descent

**Author's Note Hare: **Alright, folks, here's the deal: Fanfic writers have been treating Shadow Hearts seriously for too long. This is not acceptable. Shadow Hearts: Covenant had a humorous tone to it as well, and this must be represented. This fanfic is based off of the hypothesis: If the wolf is the sane one, you're in trouble. We, the management, have therefore decided to follow the comedic practice of taking things to ridiculous extremes…

"Wait a second," Style Hare cut in. "It's not good practice in comedy to explain your jokes. Just let them see it for themselves."

**Author's Note Hare: **Oh, yes, of course—jokes are frogs and all that.

"Say what?"

**Author's Note Hare:** Mark Twain! He said that dissecting a joke is like dissecting a frog: You can do it, but when you're done, both the joke and the frog are dead. You're the one who's supposed to be up on literature, aren't you?

"Right," Style Hare replied. "Just get on with the intro."

**Author's Note Hare: **The hero of this story will be Blanca, the white wolf. He will be sent on a mystic quest to find the Maguffin, and will face numerous trials along the way. Some of this may seem quite ridiculous, but that is exactly the point. Don't try to make sense of the ridiculousness, just enjoy it.

"You're doing it again," said Style Hare.

**Author's Note Hare:** Ah, uh… sorry. So, what does that leave me to say?

"How about you shut up and we get to the actual story?"

**Author's Note Hare:** Good idea.

**Chapter 1 – Descent**

"Oh, Blanca," Yoshiko said with a lilt. "Where are you?" Her voice was soft and childlike, and she spoke in the human language.

"I'm right here, on the mat by the window," Blanca growled in the wolf's language. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered actually saying anything; most humans didn't even realize wolves _had_ a language, much less bothered to learn it. In fact, the only human Blanca had ever known who'd understood any of his language was Yuri.

"There you are!" Yoshiko said playfully as she caught sight of Blanca.

"Right where I said I was," Blanca said flatly. He persisted in hope that Yoshiko might eventually realize he had his own language. So far, the signs weren't good.

"What do you mean by that?" Yoshiko said. "Aren't you glad to see me?"

Blanca rolled his eyes and walked over to Yoshiko. "Of course I am. Good morning, Yoshiko." He nuzzled her outstretched hands to prove his point.

"Aw, good boy," Yoshiko said as she started stroking him. "You want some breakfast?"

"As long it's not fish," Blanca said. Neither Yoshiko nor her grandfather, Naniwa, ever seemed to get the message that too much of anything was bad. Both of them were crazy about seafood, and had it at every opportunity. Blanca certainly enjoyed fish, but it couldn't make up the entirety of his diet.

"Come on," Yoshiko said as she led Blanca to the dining area. "We've got some huchen left over from last night."

Blanca growled. This growl didn't correspond to anything particular in the human language, but a few profanities would probably fit his intent.

After he'd choked down yet another huchen, Yoshiko told him, "Well, Blanca, it looks like you'll be on your own today. I'm off to work for the lottery, and Grandpa's gone Inugami village to check on Kurando. You be good now!"

As Yoshiko left, Blanca started to wonder what had become of his former traveling companions. Naniwa had visited Inugami Village often enough that Blanca got a good idea of what Kurando and Anastasia, who had decided to live in Japan with her new boyfriend, were up to. He'd also heard people mentioning on occasion how a new wrestler had dethroned the Great Gama, and he had his suspicions that this was Joachim.

Beyond this, however, Blanca didn't know anything concrete. Kato had told them all to envision their ideal world. Blanca had ended up with Yoshiko. Apparently Kurando and Anastasia had ended up together in Inugami Village. Joachim was a successful wrestler. Lucia and Geppetto had probably gone back to their old lives, possibly with Cornelia revived.

But, what had become of Karin and Yuri? Yuri had wanted nothing but Alice back, so he might be living with her now. Karin, on the other hand, had been happiest when she was adventuring with the rest of them. Was she off on another adventure, or perhaps something else entirely…?

Blanca resolved not to worry about it. Wherever they were, they were happy. All he had to worry about was what to do for the day. After brief consideration, he resolved to follow after Naniwa and see what Kurando and Anastasia were doing.

The shortest path from the Imperial Capital to Inugami Village cut through the Forest of Wind. It was here that their old party had been caught in some mystical trap made by the enigmatic Garan. Blanca had sensed the trap before they'd been caught in it and had tried to warn Anastasia, but she'd failed to get the message.

As Blanca walked through the Forest of Wind, he started to get a similar feeling to the one he'd had warning him of Garan's trap. _No way I'm falling for this again,_ he vowed to himself. He turned off the path and into the woods, hoping to get around the trap that had been set up.

Unfortunately, a similar sensation cropped up as Blanca traveled in this direction. Frustrated, he turned around and tried the other direction, but found it similarly trapped. _Fine, I'll just go home,_ he resolved, turning back along the path. He'd have enough of adventure, and there was no way he'd walk knowingly into a trap.

That would have been the end of it had a white rabbit not jumped onto the path in front him and held out its paw in a "Stop" gesture.

Blanca stopped and let out a throaty sigh. "This can't be serious," he muttered.

"Precisely!" the rabbit shouted in a throaty, masculine voice.

"What the!?" Blanca said in surprise. "A talking rabbit!"

"Of course not," the rabbit replied. "That would be silly." The rabbit hadn't moved from its stance and appeared to be trying to stare Blanca down.

"I think it's a bit late to worry about what's 'silly,'" Blanca said. "How about I just go home and pretend this never happened?"

"Hmm, no," the rabbit said, only pretending to think about Blanca's request. "That wouldn't be interesting."

"I've had enough of 'interesting,'" Blanca said. "Why don't you find someone else to entertain you? I'm going home." At this, he walked straight towards the rabbit, intending to walk right over it.

The rabbit held his ground until Blanca was but a step away, at which point it let out a shrill scream and flattened itself to the ground. Once Blanca had passed it completely, stepping on it once in spite, he heard it shout at him, "How dare you! No one walks all over the almighty Plot Hare!"

Blanca kept walking as he said to himself, "Well, at least that explains why he didn't want to be called a 'talking rabbit.'"

"That's it! Now I'm mad!" Blanca ignored this, and the Plot Hare said nothing further. He kept walking until he started to sense a trap ahead of him. He turned around to see that the Plot Hare had followed him and was grinning evilly.

"You're really annoying, you know that?" Blanca said.

Through gritted teeth the Plot Hare said, "I wouldn't be so annoying if you would just cooperate."

"And walk willingly into a trap?"

"Yep."

"Not gonna happen."

They stared at each other for a few minutes until the Plot Hare broke the silence by saying, "You know, I could just have the trap grow to right under your feet."

"If it comes after me, it's not really a trap, now is it?" Blanca pointed out.

"True," the Plot Hare said. "Which is why it's better for all concerned if you just walk into it and let it be a trap."

Again, they stood there staring at each other. This time, it was Blanca who broke the silence by saying, "You know, it's been a long time since I've had fresh meat."

The Plot Hare appeared confused at first. As realization dawned on it, its expression slowly changed into one of fear. Blanca took a step toward it and bared his fangs. "Alright, fine!" the Plot Hare shouted.

"You're going to let me go home?"

"No!" the Plot Hare said. Blanca gave it a fierce gaze. The Plot Hare stood up rigidly in defiance and said, "I guess it won't be a trap."

Blanca lunged at the hare, but never reached it. The hare faded from existence, causing Blanca to bite nothing but thin air. Thin air was all he landed on as well; he fell straight through the surface of the earth.

**Author's Note Hare:** Whadju think? Huh? Huh? What's gonna happen to Blanca? Will he _die_? Nah, that wouldn't be any fun. Hey, Style Hare, answer this: How do keep an audience in suspense?

"Well," Style Hare began. "You could end a chapter with a cliffhanger; that's what we did here."

**Author's Note Hare:** Nope! Wrong-o!

"No, actually that _is_ a good method of putting the audience in suspense."

**Author's Note Hare:** No! Stop being so literal; this is supposed to be a joke!

"Oh," Style Hare said. "In that case, knock-knock."

**Author's Note Hare: **Tch! Fine, we'll go with your joke. Who's there?

"I'll tell you next chapter."


	2. Into

**Author's Note Hare: **Excellent! Blanca has fallen right into our trap. Now w…

"Wait a second!" Plot Hare broke in. "The trap idea didn't quite work. He, uh… saw through it. For the sake of accuracy, let's just say we kidnapped him."

**Author's Note Hare:** Fine, fine. We successfully kidnapped Blanca. Now we have complete control over his destiny, and can force him to be the main character in our story.

"Well, not complete control," Plot Hare said. "We have to give him a bit of freedom; otherwise the story will seem less realistic."

**Author's Note Hare:** Alright, already! We have complete control, should we choose to exercise it, which we won't for the sake of realism. Good enough?

"I can live with that," Plot Hare said.

**Author's Note Hare:** Alright, now on to the story. It's…

"Hey!" Style Hare snapped. "I'm not letting you 'forget' about it this chapter! You have to do dedications and the disclaimer."

**Author's Note Hare: **Oh, come on! Dedications are silly and a disclaimer gives away credit!

"Too bad," Style Hare said. "Dedications are just done, and the disclaimer is for legal purposes."

**Author's Note Hare:** Ach! Fine. Here you go:

This fic is dedicated to… (come on, think)… the Jackalope!

"The what?" Style Hare said.

**Author's Note Hare:** The Jackalope. You know, that half-hare half-antelope creature that annoys humans.

"Oh, right," Style Hare said. "But, I'm pretty sure it's half-jack rabbit. Where do you think the 'Jack' comes from?" Style Hare looked around in a panic. "_From where_ do you think the 'Jack' comes from? Phew, almost ended a sentence in a preposition there. That is something up with which I will not put!"

**Author's Note Hare: **Ignoring your anal attitude toward grammar, you're probably right about the Jackalope. But! We control this universe, and I say it's half-hare. So there.

"Disclaimer."

**Author's Note Hare: **Fine, fine. Certain characters in this story (such as Blanca) are _technically_ the property of Midway. But we've commandeered them for our own purposes. And if they complain, we'll just change the names and pretend it's original. So nyeh!

"I'm satisfied," said Style Hare.

**Author's Note Hare: **Now, I can get on to the story. Any objections? No? Good. Don't over-think the title of this chapter. It'll make sense come Chapter 3. Promise.

**Chapter 2 – Into**

"Okay…" Blanca said as he looked around. "Shouldn't something more drastic have happened?"

"What do you mean?" the Plot Hare said. After Blanca had landed, he'd found the Plot Hare to be standing right next to where he landed.

"I mean all that happened was that I appeared to fall through the ground then land back on the ground right where I was standing before. And you don't appear to have moved from that spot."

"Well, I admit, we weren't very creative with your starting point," the Plot Hare said. "But, you should find that beyond this forest, the world is completely… er, mostly… well, partially different."

"Are you unimaginative or just lazy?"

"We feel that 'If it ain't broke, don't reinvent the wheel.' So, we don't feel it's necessary to recreate the world."

"Right." Blanca deadpanned. "That reminds me: I was about to get rid of a major annoyance when I fell through that 'trap' of yours."

"Uh, heh heh heh…" the Plot Hare said as he backed away. "Um, I don't think you want to do that…"

"And why not?" Blanca said as he matched the Plot Hare's pace.

"I'm the only one who can tell you what you're supposed to do if you want to get out of this world."

Blanca grunted and stopped. "Fine, I'll let you live if you tell me how I can get out."

"Phew." The Plot Hare stopped in his retreat. "Basically, you just have to let us record your quest."

"My quest?"

"Your quest to find the Maguffin."

"And what's that?" Blanca asked.

"It's the point of your quest," the Plot Hare said.

"You told me that!" Blanca said. "But, _why_ is it the point of my quest?"

"Because it's the Maguffin!"

"But, what's a Maguffin?"

"The point of a quest!"

Blanca growled. "Has anyone ever said that talking to you is like chasing your own tail?"

"All the time," the Plot Hare said, tilting his head in contemplation. "Why is that?"

"Well, it requires a lot of effort and you never get anywhere."

"But, what does that have to do with chasing your own tail?"

"It requires a lot of effort and you never get anywhere," Blanca said.

"Then why are you talking to me?" The Plot Hare said.

"You got me there," Blanca said. "I guess eating you _would_ be less painful."

The Plot Hare started sputtering at this. Eventually, as the random noises were starting to become even more painful to Blanca than his attempts at conversation, the Plot Hare paid him the questionable courtesy of phasing out of existence. It was "questionable" in that although Blanca was free of an annoyance, but he was left with no clue as to what he was supposed to do next.

He finally settled on heading in the direction that, if this were the real world, would have taken him back to his home in Mukyo-An. He had no idea if it would lead him there, or even if it was where he was supposed to go, but given the way this jaunt had turned out so far, he would most likely be ambushed by that Plot Hare again if he wasn't going the right way.

It was after only a few steps that he spotted the first discrepancy between this world and the real one. Off to the side of the path, Blanca spotted an odd, silver structure partially obscured in the forest. As he approached, it resolved into a steel cube, approximately three meters to a side. On the side nearest him was a circular indentation, but aside from that the structure appeared perfectly smooth.

"What is this?" Blanca wondered out loud.

"An impenetrable garden," a voice said out of nowhere.

Blanca looked around for the source of the voice, but saw nothing. "Am I going crazy?" he wondered again.

"No, believe it or not, this time it's the world that's gone crazy."

"Well, I can't argue with that," Blanca said to the particular no one who was addressing him.

"Come inside, we'll talk," the voice said. The circular indentation Blanca had noticed irised open, revealing a small chamber within.

Blanca briefly considered walking away like nothing had happened, but he then realized that this was the most reasonable thing he'd heard since he'd run into the Plot Hare. He walked into the chamber. The door behind him closed, and another opened in front of him. The door led to the main chamber of the structure. On the ground was a plot of dirt with a few sprouts. The ceiling was made of glass to let in sunlight.

"I've come here in the guise of an impenetrable garden," the voice said. "The Hares have been denying my existence for centuries."

"…Right," Blanca said. "And why have you come here?"

"I'm here to help you get out of this place, and in the process stop the Hares once and for all."

This was the most promising thing Blanca had yet heard. As he reflected on this, he realized exactly how pathetic this was: a talking garden was the voice of reason. "Fine, you've got my attention."

"Alright. I'm not actually a garden."

"No," Blanca said sarcastically.

"Yes. I am the author known as 'Leebot.' The Hares have started to invade this planet, starting with its literature. This is their first invasion."

"Not much for fourth walls, are they?"

"No. The fourth wall is long since demolished. Right now, it's all we can do to hold up the third wall."

"…Right."

"Anyways," the voice—Leebot—said. "It seems they took a bunch of other authors hostage, and are forcing me to let them use my account to host their story. In order to keep their actions secret, they experimented on the human memory, and came up with a procedure which was intended to wipe my memories of our sessions. Unfortunately for them… _I'm not human_."

Leebot stopped, obviously expecting some reply. After a lengthy pause, Blanca said, "Okay."

"What, you're not shocked? Come on! I just revealed that I'm not human. That's gotta be worth something!"

"Neither am I," Blanca pointed out.

"Right, well, how about this: _I'm not from this planet_."

Blanca rolled his eyes. "I'm in a talking garden. Do you really think much is going to shock me at this point?"

"Fine, fine. Continuing on: I'm from an organization dedicated to stopping the Hares. We intercepted their plans on this planet, and I was planted here to stop them. You see, the Hares are peculiar lifeforms; the only way to truly defeat them is from within one of their 'stories.' For this, I'll need your help."

"Not that I'm averse to teaching them a lesson," Blanca said. "But how do I know you're not part of their plan?"

"You'll find the Hares lack imagination. For instance, the goal of your quest is to find 'The Maguffin.' A 'Maguffin' is actually just a literary term for an object or person that is the focus of a quest, but serves no actual purpose in the plot. The Hares, rather than coming up with something that makes sense—a treasure of some sort, for instance—just called your goal 'The Maguffin.'"

"Wow! Now, that conversation with the Plot Hare almost makes sense," Blanca said.

"Just smile and nod, smile and nod. We've found it's the best way for the 'protagonists'—or, as we call them, abductees—to handle them. They never suspect a thing. But, anyway, the point is that with how little imagination the Hares have, there's no way they'd think up a talking garden. As I mentioned before, they don't even believe it could exist, so they mentally block out its existence."

"Alright," Blanca said. "There's just one thing that's bothering me: If they're so unimaginative and predictable, how are they such a threat?"

"Well, they're capable of interstellar travel naturally. Plus, they breed like terrestrial rabbits—and look a lot like them, too. We're still investigating the possible connection; it may give us clues to their origins. In addition to this, their preferred method of attack—insinuating themselves into literature—often fails to raise suspicion."

"Wait a second. You're saying this is a piece of literature?"

"Well, not _good_ literature, but yes. I wouldn't worry too much over whether or not you're really real. We get into a lot of philosophical discussions about the nature of reality in the break room, and it essentially boils down to this: If something happens, you can write about, and this doesn't change the fact that it really happened. On the other hand, you can't write about something 'fictionally.' However, when you take into account the infinite possibilities the universe has to offer in conjunction with the strong anthropic principle, it's highly probable that this 'fiction' actually happened, or will happen, somewhere."

"Fine, fine, I won't obsess about that. Now, what do you want me to do?" Blanca asked.

"Execute them."

"'Execute?' As in 'kill'? Are you sure that isn't a bit harsh?"

"Come on, you were ready to eat that Plot Hare not half an hour ago! And let me tell you this: You'd be singing a different tune if you knew what they did to the residents of Carotene Beta."

"Okay, okay. Is that all?" Blanca said.

"Um, you mind waiting a few moments? This is my only chance to make real Author's Notes."

Blanca rolled his eyes. "Fine, just get on with it!"

**Author's Note: **Aha! A plot! I bet you didn't see a plot coming! This gives a whole new meaning to "self-insertion fic."

This fic is dedicated to Tiger5913, who was the one who urged me to write an SH fic. Be very careful what you wish for. Now look who's invading Earth!

To MikoNoNyte: Sanity's overrated. Let me pose this question to you: Does genius lead to insanity, or does insanity lead to genius?

Just to let you know, you may or may not see other SH characters here. I've got the next chapter pretty much laid out in my mind, and they won't be there. After that, we'll see what happens.

Coming up: More questions will be raised, and others will be brushed aside as being pointless comedy.

"Are you finished yet?" Blanca demanded.

**Author's Note:** Fine, fine. You can go.


	3. Game Mechanics

**Author's Note Hare: **Hah! Gotcha! I bet you thought the title of this chapter was going to be something like "Madness" or "Insanity." You know, as in "Descent into madness"? That's just what I wanted you to think, you puny humans, to prove just how gullible you are. All it takes is a preposition used as the title of a chapter and you're all "Well, it has to be _connecting_ something."

But no! It wasn't connecting anything! The title of this chapter is "Game Mechanics." "Descent into game mechanics": what's that? It's nothing. Nothing! Now, don't you feel idiotic? You see how superior we Hares are? A human could never come up with something like this. This is why you're all doomed… Ow! Hey, what was that for? Hey, stop it! Stop irurhge…

"Oh my god!" Style Hare cried out. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Now, _that_ was satisfying," Blanca said.

"…I'm sorry folks. It appears our host has been eaten by the protagonist."

**Chapter 3 – Game Mechanics**

"Who are you?" Blanca asked. As he was walking along the path, a man had run up and started walking alongside him. The man was quite short, as humans went, only about a foot taller than Blanca himself.

"I'm a stand-in," the man said.

Blanca stopped. "What?"

"I was hired to stand in for your loyal sidekick until she arrives," the man said. He held out his hand. "Danny DeVito, nice to meet ya."

Blanca stared at the outstretched hand. "I don't do that trick. Besides, are we legally allowed to use you here? Couldn't this be construed as slander?"

"Well, libel, actually, and no, it couldn't," Danny said, withdrawing his hand. "You see, the Danny DeVito you're thinking of won't be born for another 29 years. I just happen to have the same name."

"Right," Blanca said. He started walking once more. "So, why do we need you here?"

"Well, you know, to make sure the lighting's right and stuff," Danny said as he followed Blanca.

"We're outside."

"Uh… camera angles?" Danny suggested.

"Literature, not a movie."

"Wardrobe?"

"Wrong gender."

Danny looked stumped. "Pointless filler?"

Blanca groaned. "In this place, that actually makes sense. How about this: You stop talking. That should make things go faster."

"My lips are sealed."

After a few more hours of walking, they reached a clearing. In the center of the clearing was a humanoid beast. It appeared to be reptilian and was holding a short sword and shield. It hissed at them as they entered the clearing. Blanca wasted no time, dropping to his fighting stance immediately.

"Well, well," an all-too-familiar voice said. The Plot Hare bounded into the clearing. "It looks like this is your first battle here."

"Oh, great," Blanca said. "Not a tutorial. I know how to fight."

"Maybe you can fight physically," the Plot Hare said. "But can you use magic?"

"Yes."

The Plot Hare paused for a moment. "Maybe you can use magic, but can you use… super magic?"

"Yes."

"Maybe you can use super magic, but… hey wait a second, I just made that up! How can you know how to use it?"

Blanca shrugged. "I just figured we'd get through this faster if I said I knew it. These things usually have an option to skip them if you know what you're doing."

The Plot Hare glared daggers at him. "No such luck. You're going to listen to my explanation if it kills you."

"What if it kills _you_?"

"It won't."

"What if _I_ kill you?"

"Will you shut up and listen?" The Plot Hare screamed. "Now first, of all, we need a unit of energy. On this planet, I believe you use the jewel as a unit of energy. Therefore, we'll be using jewels to keep track of your ener-"

The Plot Hare was cut off by the sounds of singing coming from the forest nearby. The tune was reminiscent of a childhood nursery rhyme.

_Three little elves of physics are we,_

_Filled to the brim with mechanical glee._

_Ha ha ha._

_Hee hee hee._

"Oh no," the Plot Hare said. "I was hoping we'd never run into them again…"

"Who are they?" Blanca asked.

"_The physics elves_." The Plot Hare said this in an ominous tone, obviously expecting some sort of reaction. When he didn't get any, he sighed in frustration. "We're doomed."

The elves appeared out of the forest. None of them was more than half a meter tall. They were clothed in an elf's stereotypical outfit straight out of a fairytale.

"Did somebody say 'unit of energy'?" the lead elf shouted as they stopped, standing in formation.

"No! Go away!" the Plot Hare said.

"Not while there's physics to be done! You were almost right about our unit of energy, but it's actually Joules."

"That's what I said."

"You said 'jewels,' not 'Joules.'"

"What the- There's no difference!" The Plot Hare complained.

"The words may be pronounced the same way, but they're spelled differently."

"I never wrote it! I just said it! There's no way you could tell the difference!"

"You're forgetting! This is literature, and we can read what you say."

The Plot Hare groaned. "This is because I tore down the fourth wall, isn't it?"

"Exactly!" the lead physics elf shouted. "There's no turning back now. Summon the cow!"

"Summon the cow!" the second elf said.

"Summon the cow!" the third elf said.

Nothing happened for a few moments. Eventually, Danny said, "You gonna need a stand-in for the cow?"

"No!" The Plot Hare snapped. "We're only paying you to stand in for one person. We'll wait for a cow to show up."

"Is a cow going to show up?" Blanca asked.

"It's on its way!" The lead physics elf said. "Cows are very massive, so they can't move very quickly."

"Um, why do we need a cow?" Blanca asked.

"You can't do physics without cows," the lead physics elf said.

"Of course," Blanca said, rolling his eyes. "What was I thinking?"

After a few more minutes of waiting, a cow finally wandered into the clearing.

"Now," the lead physics elf said. "A Joule can also be described as a Newton-meter, which means if you push something with one Newton of force for one meter, you'll get a Joule of energy. Now, we don't to worry about the cow's odd shape getting in the way, so we should first assume we have a spherical cow." He turned to the cow. "Cow! Assume spherical form!"

Once more, time stretched as the cow stood there, chewing its cud.

"The cow has failed to assume spherical form independently." The lead physics elf said. "Commence sphericalization of the cow!"

Blanca turned to Danny. "Uh… Did you hear the same thing?"

"I heard they were going to sphericalize the cow," Danny said. "What did you hear?"

"I heard that, too," Blanca said. "Somehow, I don't think this is going to be pretty…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Style Hare cut in. "I'm afraid I'm going to have censor out this scene. We can't go describing the sphericalization of a cow and maintain a decent rating…"

"Oh my God! You're not supposed to do that!" Danny screamed.

"Uh…" Style Hare said. "Hold on, I'm looking for the Mute button."

"No! That's supposed to come out, not go in! What the he-"

"There we go. Now, let's fast-forward a bit… there, good. Let's get back to the story. Wait a second, where did Danny go?"

"He quit," the Plot Hare said. "He claimed this was cruel and unusual punishment for a crime he never committed."

"Can I take one of those, too?" Blanca asked.

"No! You're not on contract, this is a kidnapping!" the Plot Hare snapped.

"Mooo!"

Style Hare's attention focused on the cow, now spherical, and apparently still alive. "How'd you do that?"

"Practice," the lead physics elf said. "This isn't the first spherical cow we've made."

"…right," Style Hare said. He turned to the Plot Hare. "You're on your own," he said, vanishing from sight.

"Now!" the lead physics elf said. "We shall generate one Joule by pushing this cow with one Newton of force for one meter. Physics elves! Assemble!" The other two elves hopped into line behind him. "Push the cow!"

The three elves turned to the cow and started pushing. Again, nothing seemed to happen. The Plot Hare said, "If this is like last time, this could take a while. How about we just go back to jewels?"

"Mmm… no," Blanca said. "You let me use my crest magic, or we wait for the elves."

"Fine, fine," the Plot Hare said. "I guess you can just go ahead and take care of this kobold, then."

Blanca looked over at the lizard-man, or "kobold," as the Plot Hare had said. "You know what?" he said. "You've been really considerate just standing there through all of this. Let me put it this way, you know I'll win, and I know I'll win, so why bother fighting? I'll let you just run off."

The kobold looked puzzled.

The Plot Hare cut in, "Not gonna work. I made sure he was too dumb to buy that."

"Maybe," Blanca said. "But while he's puzzling it out, I can just walk on by. Watch."

Blanca strolled out of the clearing, leaving behind a puzzled kobold, a frustrated hare, and three elves pushing a spherical cow. Somewhere, far beneath the surface of the planet, the god of logic rolled in his grave.


End file.
